Slugging it Out

sweet_temptation

I can’t really explain how this thing works or how it begins.  I mean I have read the books and been privy to some very good teaching on the subject.  Heck, I’ve even taught a few lessons myself.  None of that really helps right now though because even though I know what to do, there remains a stubborn inner desire to experience the release and the estacy that erupts when I let lust run its course.  I feel like I’m slugging it out everyday just to survive.

Honestly, I do have accountability partners and I do know how to pray and fast but none of that removes the taste, the desire, the inner drive to let my flesh have its way.  At times its so dibelitating and confining.  It shapes what I do or what I plan to do and it makes me feel so empty, so guilty and ashamed.  I know that I have the cross of Christ to bear my burdens and I also know that His helping hand is just a prayer away, but for some reason the need remains ever present.  It’s like a fungus that just grows and grows no matter how I try and clean and scrub and sterilize things.  It just keeps coming back and I for one feel so foolish having to constantly ask for forgiveness.  But I do anyway because I want to live and not die beyond His grace. I have to keep slugging it out!

I do understand that God’s grace is sufficent for all my needs, for my every weakness, but I really do want to stand on my feet and hold my ground for once.  I want to walk away from it and know that I got the victory, that I didn’t bend or break, that I held fast to His unchanging hand through my temptation.  I want to be as strong as Christ was when He was tempted in the wolderness.  I want to be like Him and refuse to give in to the tempatations that were presented.  He is my hero and I mean that in a real way.  He suffered so much but He made it through and sometimes He made it look so easy.  I know, I know, He was God manifest in flesh but He was also very human thanks to Mary.

I’m just venting tonight because I’m tired of losing and coming up short.  I believe I am more than a conquerer.  I just have to learn to be more like Him and trust Him.  I have to keep slugging it out no matter the cost.  Actually as I sit and contemplate this even more I realize that what it comes down to is a slug fest, a brawl, a knock down, drag out fight to the finish.  It’s not about playing nice or being honorable with my opponent.  I can’t fight fair in this thing.  I can’t afford to.  I have to utilize everything at my desposal.  I can’t even take prisoners!  It just too dangerous to let anyone but me survive this fight.  This I believe is the mental attitude I have to have.  I have to think this way because if I only approach the fight in a half hearted way, myy enemy will see my weakness and rip me a new one.  I already have enough of those and don’t care for any more.

So yes, I may be down for now but I am definitely not out. I have to keep slugging it out. I have to go nuclear.  I have to use all the weapons God has made available to me.  This is what I haven’t been doing.  I have been making assumptions about my future based on past victories.  I believe this was a grave error on my part.  Everyday is a new day and lessons are learned afresh.  I have to change my mind set to break from the past notions that what I achieved before is sufficient high ground for me to stand upon today.  I cannot fight tomorrow’s war with my flesh using my past victories.  Don’t get me wrong.  Past victories are very motivating and help me remember that He who delivered me before yet reigns and is able to do so again.  But I have to make new commitments, new promises to myself and new affirmations that I can live victoriously through Christ. So I will continue to slug it out and survive even though I may fall from time to time.

I know that my Savior lives.  I just have to make sure I act like that every day.

Blurred Vision, Part 3

I put part one and two into this blog via video and audio, now we’ll switch things up a bit and put pen to paper.  I spoke from the hip in the first two installments but I have a feeling this one is going to open me up even more.  When you write, your thoughts become clearer and more focused.  I think this will help me bring some essential nuggets to the surface, things that aren’t very easy to share.

Maybe that’s the point though.  The more painful the disclosure the more helpful the message??  We’ll see.

Blurred Vision part 3

In the first two segments I touched on a process that leads to false happiness or hollow fulfillment.  There is a game of deception that goes on with many men…and I speak of men because I am one and this tends to happen to us allot.  I’m sure my sister folk experience this too but with men it is especially potent because we are visual creatures by design.

The eye is the first barrier that breaks down in this game of deception.  William Shakespeare is purported to have said that the eyes are the window to the soul.  I don’t know if that’s true of him or not.  But, I do believe that Jesus said, “The eye is the lamp of the body.  If your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness” (Matt. 6:22-23).  My take on this is that we become deeply affected by what we see.  The eye serves as a gateway to the inner man.  So it follows that when we are led astray it often begins with what we see…or think we see (I think if Adam and Eve were here they might lend credible testimony to this).

Now in previous posts I shared about my early experience with pornography and how crippling it was to me emotionally and spiritually.  What I didn’t share was how the transformation worked within me to revive my fallen nature and create a false new man, a false new person driven by internal lusts and appetites.

Once you get this thing inside of you it becomes an alternate voice, a quiet whisper in the night, something always lurking in the subconscious waiting for an opportunity to express its need.  There are times when you can suppress it and ignore or obscure it with some other activity.  In most cases, however, it only ducks its head and waits.  It presents itself as a deep, longing void, an empty space that nothing can fill except for the object being presented.

When it is active and unrestrained, it alters your vision.  Remember, vision leads to life and prosperity because without it we perish.  So if your vision is changed, altered, diluted, obscured or outright changed, then so also is your life.  This deception that worked within me changed my vision often.  I thought I saw what was good for me and once I thought it…once it materialized in my mind (Law of Attraction) it came to me.  What I saw showed up in my life and since I thought it was good and right it was easy to pursue.  I saw things I thought I wanted, things I thought I needed.  These things manifested in my inner thoughts and added to the poison already coursing through my spirit.

Blurred Vision part 3 v2This game of deception is very cruel and takes no prisoners.  It will make you lie to yourself, to your friends and family, to anyone in order to justify itself.  You begin to really believe the lie.  In the process lives are hurt and other people pay a price for your changed vision.  The crazy thing is that the more you meditate on this new thing, the stronger it becomes.  It’s almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I had an affair and in this affair I was actually sure beyond a doubt that the grass was greener on the other side.  I told myself so many lies just to make the new reality work, to make the pieces fit nicely.  I hammered out any rough edges and called it a job well done because the product suited my altered vision.

The more I dwelt on the object presented to me by the deception, the more real it became.  Literally, the thing I saw in my mind came true in almost every detail.  The details in turn fed the hunger.  I was so lost.  I was so hurt inside and didn’t even know it.  I was dying.  This thing was like a cancer that grew unchecked.  I know that over time the symptoms started to show and those around me that loved me and cared about me prayed.  I will discuss the cure later but for now suffice it to say that there was no treatment…not as long as what I thought I saw…I thought was real!

Men and brothers, there is a way to break out of the game of deception.  I hope you come back for the next installment where I will begin to share with you how I broke this cycle and regained my true and clear vision!