I can’t really explain how this thing works or how it begins. I mean I have read the books and been privy to some very good teaching on the subject. Heck, I’ve even taught a few lessons myself. None of that really helps right now though because even though I know what to do, there remains a stubborn inner desire to experience the release and the estacy that erupts when I let lust run its course. I feel like I’m slugging it out everyday just to survive.
Honestly, I do have accountability partners and I do know how to pray and fast but none of that removes the taste, the desire, the inner drive to let my flesh have its way. At times its so dibelitating and confining. It shapes what I do or what I plan to do and it makes me feel so empty, so guilty and ashamed. I know that I have the cross of Christ to bear my burdens and I also know that His helping hand is just a prayer away, but for some reason the need remains ever present. It’s like a fungus that just grows and grows no matter how I try and clean and scrub and sterilize things. It just keeps coming back and I for one feel so foolish having to constantly ask for forgiveness. But I do anyway because I want to live and not die beyond His grace. I have to keep slugging it out!
I do understand that God’s grace is sufficent for all my needs, for my every weakness, but I really do want to stand on my feet and hold my ground for once. I want to walk away from it and know that I got the victory, that I didn’t bend or break, that I held fast to His unchanging hand through my temptation. I want to be as strong as Christ was when He was tempted in the wolderness. I want to be like Him and refuse to give in to the tempatations that were presented. He is my hero and I mean that in a real way. He suffered so much but He made it through and sometimes He made it look so easy. I know, I know, He was God manifest in flesh but He was also very human thanks to Mary.
I’m just venting tonight because I’m tired of losing and coming up short. I believe I am more than a conquerer. I just have to learn to be more like Him and trust Him. I have to keep slugging it out no matter the cost. Actually as I sit and contemplate this even more I realize that what it comes down to is a slug fest, a brawl, a knock down, drag out fight to the finish. It’s not about playing nice or being honorable with my opponent. I can’t fight fair in this thing. I can’t afford to. I have to utilize everything at my desposal. I can’t even take prisoners! It just too dangerous to let anyone but me survive this fight. This I believe is the mental attitude I have to have. I have to think this way because if I only approach the fight in a half hearted way, myy enemy will see my weakness and rip me a new one. I already have enough of those and don’t care for any more.
So yes, I may be down for now but I am definitely not out. I have to keep slugging it out. I have to go nuclear. I have to use all the weapons God has made available to me. This is what I haven’t been doing. I have been making assumptions about my future based on past victories. I believe this was a grave error on my part. Everyday is a new day and lessons are learned afresh. I have to change my mind set to break from the past notions that what I achieved before is sufficient high ground for me to stand upon today. I cannot fight tomorrow’s war with my flesh using my past victories. Don’t get me wrong. Past victories are very motivating and help me remember that He who delivered me before yet reigns and is able to do so again. But I have to make new commitments, new promises to myself and new affirmations that I can live victoriously through Christ. So I will continue to slug it out and survive even though I may fall from time to time.
I know that my Savior lives. I just have to make sure I act like that every day.